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.So I lie.I nod yes, when she asks if it’s been hard for me to have her working so much, knowing, even at fourteen, that this will be a swift punch to her gut.But also knowing that it will be the only thing that will put a stop to her questions.After dinner I am sent to my room again.I leave the door open this time and can hear them in the kitchen, talking in hushed tones at the table, long after they have finished eating.I lie across my bed and stare at my math homework.The numbers shrink and grow, dancing across the page, mocking me.I have the urge to crumple up the work sheet, to throw it in the trash.So I do.But after a few minutes I dig it out again, smoothing the wrinkles away with my hand.I am lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, when my mother appears.She taps on the doorframe before coming in.Honey, can I talk to you?I curl onto one side in response.I want to sink through the mattress and disappear.Oh, sweetie, she says, lying down opposite me on the other side of the bed.Do you know how much I love you? She smoothes the hair away from my face when she says this, but I keep my eyes down, staring at the pink bedspread.Do you know that being your mom is the best thing that ever happened to me?I don’t look up.Sometimes I think about how I almost didn’t get to have you, she continues.I wanted to have a child all my life, but at a certain point I convinced myself that it wasn’t going to happen.I am listening to her carefully now.When I met your father I was thirty-seven.My time was almost up.Besides, your dad was so much older and had raised three kids already.Sally, he said to me one day, I don’t want you to miss out on this experience.I think I fell even more in love with him that day.We started trying soon after that, and I got pregnant surprisingly easily.But a few weeks into it I miscarried.I have never heard this part of the story before, and I lie very still, afraid that if I move she’ll stop talking.I was devastated.I don’t think I got out of bed for a month.I didn’t talk to your father for two weeks.That was when I realized how badly I wanted to be a mother.But after a while your father convinced me to try again, and we did.I held my breath all the way through the pregnancy, so afraid that I was going to lose you.But I didn’t.She turns her head to me now and runs a hand down my cheek.I’ve adored being your mother, Claire.Sometimes I think it’s the only thing I did right with my life.She is crying now.I can tell by the way her voice has gone tighter.I still can’t bring myself to look at her.We’ll get through this.Okay, sweetie? I promise.I finally look up at her and nod the tiniest nod.She turns on her side, pulling me into her like a comma, and we lie like that for a long time.THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL I avoid Tonia in the halls.I briefly consider hiding out in the bathroom, skipping Home Ec, but I can’t afford to get in any more trouble.Tonia walks by my desk at the start of class.Hey, she says.Hey, I say back.I want to tell her what happened.She’s still my best friend.I got caught, I say.Stealing nail polish at Kmart.She blinks.Something in her demeanor shifts.Wow, are you okay?Not really, I say.That sucks, she says, and I look down, grateful for her sympathy.I hope everything turns out okay, she says softly, before she turns toward Jamie, taking a seat next to her a few tables away.After school I head home.My mother has decided that she doesn’t want me going to the restaurant after school anymore, and that for a while at least she’s going to take the afternoons off.My sneakers crunch on the oyster-shell driveway and the math book in my book bag feels impossibly heavy.When I walk in through the front door, it is immediately clear that something is wrong.My mother is sitting on one of the couches in the formal living room, the one that we never sit in.My father is sitting next to her, when he is supposed to be at work.My mother is crying, and my father has his arm around her shoulder, his head bent toward hers.My insides harden together like cement.I shouldn’t have lied to her.I should have just told the truth that I wasn’t stealing because she was working all the time.That it was for Tonia, so we could be friends again.I stand in the doorway a moment longer before they notice me.I have to tell her.I have to tell her how much I love her.How she is actually my best friend.How glad I am that she got to have me.My dad looks up first.Claire.My mother looks up sharply then, her breath catching in a sob [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.So I lie.I nod yes, when she asks if it’s been hard for me to have her working so much, knowing, even at fourteen, that this will be a swift punch to her gut.But also knowing that it will be the only thing that will put a stop to her questions.After dinner I am sent to my room again.I leave the door open this time and can hear them in the kitchen, talking in hushed tones at the table, long after they have finished eating.I lie across my bed and stare at my math homework.The numbers shrink and grow, dancing across the page, mocking me.I have the urge to crumple up the work sheet, to throw it in the trash.So I do.But after a few minutes I dig it out again, smoothing the wrinkles away with my hand.I am lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, when my mother appears.She taps on the doorframe before coming in.Honey, can I talk to you?I curl onto one side in response.I want to sink through the mattress and disappear.Oh, sweetie, she says, lying down opposite me on the other side of the bed.Do you know how much I love you? She smoothes the hair away from my face when she says this, but I keep my eyes down, staring at the pink bedspread.Do you know that being your mom is the best thing that ever happened to me?I don’t look up.Sometimes I think about how I almost didn’t get to have you, she continues.I wanted to have a child all my life, but at a certain point I convinced myself that it wasn’t going to happen.I am listening to her carefully now.When I met your father I was thirty-seven.My time was almost up.Besides, your dad was so much older and had raised three kids already.Sally, he said to me one day, I don’t want you to miss out on this experience.I think I fell even more in love with him that day.We started trying soon after that, and I got pregnant surprisingly easily.But a few weeks into it I miscarried.I have never heard this part of the story before, and I lie very still, afraid that if I move she’ll stop talking.I was devastated.I don’t think I got out of bed for a month.I didn’t talk to your father for two weeks.That was when I realized how badly I wanted to be a mother.But after a while your father convinced me to try again, and we did.I held my breath all the way through the pregnancy, so afraid that I was going to lose you.But I didn’t.She turns her head to me now and runs a hand down my cheek.I’ve adored being your mother, Claire.Sometimes I think it’s the only thing I did right with my life.She is crying now.I can tell by the way her voice has gone tighter.I still can’t bring myself to look at her.We’ll get through this.Okay, sweetie? I promise.I finally look up at her and nod the tiniest nod.She turns on her side, pulling me into her like a comma, and we lie like that for a long time.THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL I avoid Tonia in the halls.I briefly consider hiding out in the bathroom, skipping Home Ec, but I can’t afford to get in any more trouble.Tonia walks by my desk at the start of class.Hey, she says.Hey, I say back.I want to tell her what happened.She’s still my best friend.I got caught, I say.Stealing nail polish at Kmart.She blinks.Something in her demeanor shifts.Wow, are you okay?Not really, I say.That sucks, she says, and I look down, grateful for her sympathy.I hope everything turns out okay, she says softly, before she turns toward Jamie, taking a seat next to her a few tables away.After school I head home.My mother has decided that she doesn’t want me going to the restaurant after school anymore, and that for a while at least she’s going to take the afternoons off.My sneakers crunch on the oyster-shell driveway and the math book in my book bag feels impossibly heavy.When I walk in through the front door, it is immediately clear that something is wrong.My mother is sitting on one of the couches in the formal living room, the one that we never sit in.My father is sitting next to her, when he is supposed to be at work.My mother is crying, and my father has his arm around her shoulder, his head bent toward hers.My insides harden together like cement.I shouldn’t have lied to her.I should have just told the truth that I wasn’t stealing because she was working all the time.That it was for Tonia, so we could be friends again.I stand in the doorway a moment longer before they notice me.I have to tell her.I have to tell her how much I love her.How she is actually my best friend.How glad I am that she got to have me.My dad looks up first.Claire.My mother looks up sharply then, her breath catching in a sob [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]