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.I couldn’t tell if the plants were real or not, which sort of bothered me.There was only one small window in the whole place, so I figured they were just good fakes.Randy had a nice painting behind his desk, a kind of abstract thing with lots of blues and purples in it.He also wore a wedding band.Both the painting and the ring made me a bit more comfortable.At least the hairy little guy didn’t seem like a complete loser.At first I just sat there, not saying anything and Randy was quiet too.He kept his eyes down, like he was reading some notes he had about me, although I think he was probably faking that.Finally, he looked up and started speaking.“So,” Randy said.“What’s going on?”He opened his eyes really wide at me.I noticed one eye was slightly grayer than the other.I wondered if this was a biological fact, or the effect of the lighting in his office.He put his hands on his chunky thighs and looked at me expectantly.I explained to him about Eve, and how the other stuff that had been happening really didn’t have very much to do with her, but if there was a problem I was having, it was probably with this issue of the rapid physical deterioration of my best friend.I didn’t mention how Eve came to me in my dreams, a ghost friend.Talking about my dreams in therapy was, I figured, both too much of a cliche, and a little too personal.I didn’t need Hairy Randy asking all about why I thought Eve wanted to take me with her to the bathroom of heaven.“Ouch,” Randy said.“That’s tough stuff, huh kid?”It was just about the corniest thing a person could say, but I started sniffling all the same.I am actually a pretty big crier, at least in private, and once I get started it’s really hard for me to stop.After a few minutes of me crying and him handing me tissues, he started to speak again.“What are you thinking about right now that is making you so sad, Andy? Can you put that sadness into words?”“Not really, “ I said.What could I say? The truth, the whole Douglas debacle, was way too out there to possibly discuss with this guy.What were Mom and Dad thinking? Evidently, that I would have nothing to disclose as jaw-dropping as losing my virginity to good old Doug.I didn’t exactly lie, but started out my therapy with a nice little evasion, a little duck and cover.“Right now, I am just really upset because I haven’t gone to visit Eve in a ridiculously long time, and I keep saying I will, but I don’t.” This was true.Not visiting Eve was making me super-jittery.“And why won’t you visit her? Why don’t you want to go to see her?”“It’s just the way I am,” I lied.It was too gross to tell him about her period and all, and anyway, that wasn’t the only reason I hadn’t seen Eve.I could have gone over there after school any given day.I was the one stalling, asking for permission.“I mean, I get focused on what’s right in front of me and it’s hard to stop doing what I’m doing, and its been a super-busy month at school, with track and homework.Anyway, it’s not that I don’t like being with her, I do.I don’t feel bad when I’m with her.I can’t explain it.I just procrastinate.” My voice sounded strangely shrill, like a bad recording played back.I hated the sound of it, hated the bullshit I was saying.“Well, people do avoid hard things, Andy, and isn’t seeing Eve a hard thing?” Randy said this with a bit too much confidence for my liking.I looked at him mutely and nodded.I wasn’t sure if what he said was smart or obvious.The word insipid came to mind the way Mr.Doyle used it.“That is an insipid comment masquerading as insight,” he’d once said to a jock, who was stupid enough to quote the Cliff Notes he read for To Kill A Mockingbird because he couldn’t get through the novel.Randy went on a bit after that.He explained to me that people who are in crisis often feel out of control and start behaving impulsively and acting out.He gave me these strategies for dealing with my emotions.When I got upset, I was supposed to try to think of something I could be thankful for.Then, after I paused to be thankful, if I still felt like taking an action, I should ask myself if I was invested in the action.It was pretty simple, really.For instance, if I had made myself stop and think that time with Sharon, I could have told myself how thankful I was that I wasn’t a skank bitch like her, and then I probably would not have felt invested in calling her a skank bitch in front of the whole track team.I kept nodding my head after that while Randy explained how first we’d try to help me gain some more control over myself, and then maybe we’d get into some more real talk-therapy so I could express the feelings I was keeping so bottled up [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.I couldn’t tell if the plants were real or not, which sort of bothered me.There was only one small window in the whole place, so I figured they were just good fakes.Randy had a nice painting behind his desk, a kind of abstract thing with lots of blues and purples in it.He also wore a wedding band.Both the painting and the ring made me a bit more comfortable.At least the hairy little guy didn’t seem like a complete loser.At first I just sat there, not saying anything and Randy was quiet too.He kept his eyes down, like he was reading some notes he had about me, although I think he was probably faking that.Finally, he looked up and started speaking.“So,” Randy said.“What’s going on?”He opened his eyes really wide at me.I noticed one eye was slightly grayer than the other.I wondered if this was a biological fact, or the effect of the lighting in his office.He put his hands on his chunky thighs and looked at me expectantly.I explained to him about Eve, and how the other stuff that had been happening really didn’t have very much to do with her, but if there was a problem I was having, it was probably with this issue of the rapid physical deterioration of my best friend.I didn’t mention how Eve came to me in my dreams, a ghost friend.Talking about my dreams in therapy was, I figured, both too much of a cliche, and a little too personal.I didn’t need Hairy Randy asking all about why I thought Eve wanted to take me with her to the bathroom of heaven.“Ouch,” Randy said.“That’s tough stuff, huh kid?”It was just about the corniest thing a person could say, but I started sniffling all the same.I am actually a pretty big crier, at least in private, and once I get started it’s really hard for me to stop.After a few minutes of me crying and him handing me tissues, he started to speak again.“What are you thinking about right now that is making you so sad, Andy? Can you put that sadness into words?”“Not really, “ I said.What could I say? The truth, the whole Douglas debacle, was way too out there to possibly discuss with this guy.What were Mom and Dad thinking? Evidently, that I would have nothing to disclose as jaw-dropping as losing my virginity to good old Doug.I didn’t exactly lie, but started out my therapy with a nice little evasion, a little duck and cover.“Right now, I am just really upset because I haven’t gone to visit Eve in a ridiculously long time, and I keep saying I will, but I don’t.” This was true.Not visiting Eve was making me super-jittery.“And why won’t you visit her? Why don’t you want to go to see her?”“It’s just the way I am,” I lied.It was too gross to tell him about her period and all, and anyway, that wasn’t the only reason I hadn’t seen Eve.I could have gone over there after school any given day.I was the one stalling, asking for permission.“I mean, I get focused on what’s right in front of me and it’s hard to stop doing what I’m doing, and its been a super-busy month at school, with track and homework.Anyway, it’s not that I don’t like being with her, I do.I don’t feel bad when I’m with her.I can’t explain it.I just procrastinate.” My voice sounded strangely shrill, like a bad recording played back.I hated the sound of it, hated the bullshit I was saying.“Well, people do avoid hard things, Andy, and isn’t seeing Eve a hard thing?” Randy said this with a bit too much confidence for my liking.I looked at him mutely and nodded.I wasn’t sure if what he said was smart or obvious.The word insipid came to mind the way Mr.Doyle used it.“That is an insipid comment masquerading as insight,” he’d once said to a jock, who was stupid enough to quote the Cliff Notes he read for To Kill A Mockingbird because he couldn’t get through the novel.Randy went on a bit after that.He explained to me that people who are in crisis often feel out of control and start behaving impulsively and acting out.He gave me these strategies for dealing with my emotions.When I got upset, I was supposed to try to think of something I could be thankful for.Then, after I paused to be thankful, if I still felt like taking an action, I should ask myself if I was invested in the action.It was pretty simple, really.For instance, if I had made myself stop and think that time with Sharon, I could have told myself how thankful I was that I wasn’t a skank bitch like her, and then I probably would not have felt invested in calling her a skank bitch in front of the whole track team.I kept nodding my head after that while Randy explained how first we’d try to help me gain some more control over myself, and then maybe we’d get into some more real talk-therapy so I could express the feelings I was keeping so bottled up [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]