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.Guilt consumed her, and she touched the flesh with shaking fingers.“Raymond…”He no longer bore any resemblance to an eagle or a bear or a wolf.He looked simply tired and sad.“I wanted you to know.No real man would ever betray you.Remember that when you remember me.”“Remember you?” she repeated, alarmed.“You want me to go, and I understand.I’ll leave you Keir for your protection.”The bleakness of his face frightened her.“Go where?”“Perhaps we can get the annulment my parents talked about.” He rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand.Still dazed with shock, she repeated, “You want an annulment?”“Don’t! Don’t pretend you want this disastrous marriage.”“Disastrous? Because I believed for one moment you had betrayed me? Nay, Raymond, ’twas only a momentary insanity.”“Whose insanity? ’Twas not your insanity that created a chained beast who knew not reason or”—he wanted to say love, but he could not—“or kindness.”“’Twas Sir Joseph’s insanity that created that beast.”“Nay, for the beast came from within me.Even now it lives within me.Doesn’t that frighten you? Won’t you always wonder if the beast will leap out of me to rip your heart out?” She tried to deny it, but he wouldn’t listen.“You don’t trust me—for good reason.So I’m leaving you.”She managed to say only, “By God’s teeth, you’ll stay.”Wrapped in his own misery, he paid her no heed.“You want a man to protect you.Of what other use am I to you?”“Do you believe me to be so shallow? If all I needed was a man to protect me, I’d…marry Layamon.”Her imitation of anguish and indignation would have invoked pride in any performer, Raymond thought.“You couldn’t marry Layamon.He’s not a lord, nor even a knight.Now I…I am a lord fitting of your station, but not of your spirit.I’ve given you nothing of value.”“Nothing of…what do you consider value?”So she wanted to do the right thing by him.He’d saved her daughter, he was her husband.Her sense of duty was gratifying, but not what he wanted.Not at all.“Something you can touch or taste or smell.”“Not security? Not pleasure in bed? Not courage? Not”—she tapped her chest—“not myself back?”His neck hurt from the collar.His wounds, inflicted by the mercenaries and previously undetected, made themselves known.He felt old.“Too many truths have been discarded today, too many convictions overset.I’m not the man you believed me to be.”“You are everything I believed you to be.”It was the most brilliant, cutting insult he’d ever heard, and he responded with a roar.She flinched at his fury but held her ground as he asked, “Do you know what drove me to insanity out there by the tree?”“Your collar.You don’t like to be confined”—she swallowed with visible difficulty—“around your neck.”Low and clear, driven by inner pain, he said, “Let me tell you what caused that insanity.I stood for months in a dungeon, but not a dungeon like we have.Oh, nay.This one was hot and dry, dusty with the desert winds.A necklace of iron choked my neck, sturdy bracelets held my wrists close to my head.” Lifting his hands, he demonstrated.“Pressed against the slimy wall, my raw back attracted scores of vermin.I was worm’s meat—”She pressed the back of her hands against her mouth, but he wrestled them away.“Aye, listen to me.I was worm’s meat even before my death.But even that wasn’t as bad as the occasional flashes of light.That light announced the arrival of my heathen master—my tormentor.Food was pressed between my teeth.Water forced down my throat.My eyes were made so sensitive from the dark I couldn’t even glare defiance.“And he had a voice, a smooth, kind, drawling voice that offered slavery as if it were salvation.” He no longer burned with pain.Now he was cold, cold and filled with a loathing for himself.“He broke me.Rather than remaining true to the things holy to me, I crumpled like a weakling, like a child, like a—”“Woman? Like me?”He tugged at the iron collar, wishing he could tear it from him.“If every man had your courage, we’d have never lost the Holy Land.”“Pretty words to wrap a cruel accusation.”He heard only the bitterness; he knew not at whom it was directed.She continued.“You say you crumpled like a weakling, but I don’t remember that.I remember the raging beast and how I tamed it.Then you brought it out again, here”—her sweep of the hand indicated the carnage around them—“and controlled it.You used it to protect me.That’s what I remember.”Her eloquence swayed him.Oh, aye, it did, but this was temptation too sweet to be real, and he denied it, and her.“You deserve better than me, so I will do what is right for you.I will remove myself from your life.” He moved toward the door, wondering why his joints didn’t creak.With a speed he would never have attributed to her, she stepped between him and the door, and tapped his chest.“You are forgetting one thing.”“My lady?”“Let me remind you, my lord.You dismissed the king’s master castle-builder and said you would build me a curtain wall.By all that’s holy, you mighty Crusader, you’ll not renege on your promise.You are bound to me until you finish the curtain wall.”22“Oh, Mother, look at Lofts Castle,” Margery said, her voice full of awe.Juliana pulled her palfrey to a halt, wiped the rain out of her eyes, and stared.The hope she didn’t know she had cherished sank.The shorter end of the curtain wall rose from the mud, finished except for the crenellations and finials.She should be rejoicing to see it standing after so brief a time, but if her men continued to perform such construction miracles, Raymond would be here only through the summer—if that long.So much for her feeble attempt to keep him by her side while they mended the fabric of their marriage.Their disastrous marriage, he had called it.Juliana squeezed her eyes shut as she remembered the tactful way he’d tried to tell her of her inadequacies.Of her cowardice and how it had destroyed him.She hadn’t wanted to listen, for then he would be alone, and she would be alone.But after riding two miserable days in the mud and rain, she realized they couldn’t be more alone than they were right then.Their solitude, even though they were together, made her heart hurt, and her hand crept to her chest to press the ache.In a dreamy voice, Margery said, “The first thing I’m going to do is change into dry clothes.”“I’m goin’ t’ have a hot meal,” Layamon said.Keir’s stoicism faded a little as he gazed at the long slits of light shining from the keep.“I’ll rest my weary limbs close to the fire.”“This spring drizzle has settled into my bones,” Valeska said.“Do you look forward to your own bed, Raymond?”Raymond only grunted, and Juliana winced.Before her, Margery wiggled like a fish.“Look, Mother,” she shouted, pointing.“There’s Ella [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.Guilt consumed her, and she touched the flesh with shaking fingers.“Raymond…”He no longer bore any resemblance to an eagle or a bear or a wolf.He looked simply tired and sad.“I wanted you to know.No real man would ever betray you.Remember that when you remember me.”“Remember you?” she repeated, alarmed.“You want me to go, and I understand.I’ll leave you Keir for your protection.”The bleakness of his face frightened her.“Go where?”“Perhaps we can get the annulment my parents talked about.” He rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand.Still dazed with shock, she repeated, “You want an annulment?”“Don’t! Don’t pretend you want this disastrous marriage.”“Disastrous? Because I believed for one moment you had betrayed me? Nay, Raymond, ’twas only a momentary insanity.”“Whose insanity? ’Twas not your insanity that created a chained beast who knew not reason or”—he wanted to say love, but he could not—“or kindness.”“’Twas Sir Joseph’s insanity that created that beast.”“Nay, for the beast came from within me.Even now it lives within me.Doesn’t that frighten you? Won’t you always wonder if the beast will leap out of me to rip your heart out?” She tried to deny it, but he wouldn’t listen.“You don’t trust me—for good reason.So I’m leaving you.”She managed to say only, “By God’s teeth, you’ll stay.”Wrapped in his own misery, he paid her no heed.“You want a man to protect you.Of what other use am I to you?”“Do you believe me to be so shallow? If all I needed was a man to protect me, I’d…marry Layamon.”Her imitation of anguish and indignation would have invoked pride in any performer, Raymond thought.“You couldn’t marry Layamon.He’s not a lord, nor even a knight.Now I…I am a lord fitting of your station, but not of your spirit.I’ve given you nothing of value.”“Nothing of…what do you consider value?”So she wanted to do the right thing by him.He’d saved her daughter, he was her husband.Her sense of duty was gratifying, but not what he wanted.Not at all.“Something you can touch or taste or smell.”“Not security? Not pleasure in bed? Not courage? Not”—she tapped her chest—“not myself back?”His neck hurt from the collar.His wounds, inflicted by the mercenaries and previously undetected, made themselves known.He felt old.“Too many truths have been discarded today, too many convictions overset.I’m not the man you believed me to be.”“You are everything I believed you to be.”It was the most brilliant, cutting insult he’d ever heard, and he responded with a roar.She flinched at his fury but held her ground as he asked, “Do you know what drove me to insanity out there by the tree?”“Your collar.You don’t like to be confined”—she swallowed with visible difficulty—“around your neck.”Low and clear, driven by inner pain, he said, “Let me tell you what caused that insanity.I stood for months in a dungeon, but not a dungeon like we have.Oh, nay.This one was hot and dry, dusty with the desert winds.A necklace of iron choked my neck, sturdy bracelets held my wrists close to my head.” Lifting his hands, he demonstrated.“Pressed against the slimy wall, my raw back attracted scores of vermin.I was worm’s meat—”She pressed the back of her hands against her mouth, but he wrestled them away.“Aye, listen to me.I was worm’s meat even before my death.But even that wasn’t as bad as the occasional flashes of light.That light announced the arrival of my heathen master—my tormentor.Food was pressed between my teeth.Water forced down my throat.My eyes were made so sensitive from the dark I couldn’t even glare defiance.“And he had a voice, a smooth, kind, drawling voice that offered slavery as if it were salvation.” He no longer burned with pain.Now he was cold, cold and filled with a loathing for himself.“He broke me.Rather than remaining true to the things holy to me, I crumpled like a weakling, like a child, like a—”“Woman? Like me?”He tugged at the iron collar, wishing he could tear it from him.“If every man had your courage, we’d have never lost the Holy Land.”“Pretty words to wrap a cruel accusation.”He heard only the bitterness; he knew not at whom it was directed.She continued.“You say you crumpled like a weakling, but I don’t remember that.I remember the raging beast and how I tamed it.Then you brought it out again, here”—her sweep of the hand indicated the carnage around them—“and controlled it.You used it to protect me.That’s what I remember.”Her eloquence swayed him.Oh, aye, it did, but this was temptation too sweet to be real, and he denied it, and her.“You deserve better than me, so I will do what is right for you.I will remove myself from your life.” He moved toward the door, wondering why his joints didn’t creak.With a speed he would never have attributed to her, she stepped between him and the door, and tapped his chest.“You are forgetting one thing.”“My lady?”“Let me remind you, my lord.You dismissed the king’s master castle-builder and said you would build me a curtain wall.By all that’s holy, you mighty Crusader, you’ll not renege on your promise.You are bound to me until you finish the curtain wall.”22“Oh, Mother, look at Lofts Castle,” Margery said, her voice full of awe.Juliana pulled her palfrey to a halt, wiped the rain out of her eyes, and stared.The hope she didn’t know she had cherished sank.The shorter end of the curtain wall rose from the mud, finished except for the crenellations and finials.She should be rejoicing to see it standing after so brief a time, but if her men continued to perform such construction miracles, Raymond would be here only through the summer—if that long.So much for her feeble attempt to keep him by her side while they mended the fabric of their marriage.Their disastrous marriage, he had called it.Juliana squeezed her eyes shut as she remembered the tactful way he’d tried to tell her of her inadequacies.Of her cowardice and how it had destroyed him.She hadn’t wanted to listen, for then he would be alone, and she would be alone.But after riding two miserable days in the mud and rain, she realized they couldn’t be more alone than they were right then.Their solitude, even though they were together, made her heart hurt, and her hand crept to her chest to press the ache.In a dreamy voice, Margery said, “The first thing I’m going to do is change into dry clothes.”“I’m goin’ t’ have a hot meal,” Layamon said.Keir’s stoicism faded a little as he gazed at the long slits of light shining from the keep.“I’ll rest my weary limbs close to the fire.”“This spring drizzle has settled into my bones,” Valeska said.“Do you look forward to your own bed, Raymond?”Raymond only grunted, and Juliana winced.Before her, Margery wiggled like a fish.“Look, Mother,” she shouted, pointing.“There’s Ella [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]