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. Something still doesn t make sense. He tilted his head. What s that? Me. What do you mean? They could have picked any Triad to attack, Wyatt, but they chose yours.They choseme.Kelsa said someone was paying a lot of money for me, but not in the way Iassumed.Whoever wanted me paid her to do what she did, and to ensure that you werethe one who found me.But why? All they had to do was kill me and hide my body.Youwould have kept the Triads looking for me for days or weeks until I was found.Why setit up the way they did? I don t know.I really wish I did, but I don t.And it isn t the only thing that doesn tadd up. Like why keep you down here, alive, and not torture you? He quirked an eyebrow. Are you advocating violence against my person now? No, jackass, just a logical ordering of events.They killed Wormer and Tully thisafternoon while they were capturing us.Shot them dead.But they used tranqs on us.Why do they want me alive? Aggravation mounting, I stood up on shaky legs and started pacing the narrow length ofthe cell.Confusion, anger, and remnants of despair all bubbled up through my mouthbefore I could censor myself. Why the fuck did you bring me back, Wyatt? Why didn tyou just let me rest in peace? Hell has to be better than this. He wilted in front of me every bit of light, every scrap of fight in him fled.I didn tregret the words.I only hated that they were true, and how precisely they reflected myfeelings.Overwhelmed and frustrated, I took it out on my only available target a manwho d given up everything for me. Why? I grabbed the bars separating us.He had to say it.I had to hear it.He retreated to the corner of his cell, as far from me as he could get.Worse still, heturned his back.I had no way to make him face me.He couldn t disappear behind abathroom door, but he could still escape. My knuckles ached.I loosened my death grip on the bars a wall that might as wellhave been solid rock.I was livid, but not at him.I was furious at myself for notmounting the rescue I d hoped for.For failing at the happily ever after he so desperatelyneeded to believe in. I really am a self-centered prick, aren t I? he asked.His tone was so mild I thought itwas a rhetorical question.He turned his head, showing me his profile and nothing else. Aren t I? You re not a prick, I said. A little selfish, but not a prick.Hell, you did what youthought was right.You need to know what I know. His profile disappeared.He grasped the bars in front of him.Tension thrummed throughhis shoulders and back. I convinced myself that was the reason.I convinced everyone,even you. Nausea struck me so hard and fast my knees buckled.Only my hold on the bars kept mestanding. Now I m not so sure anymore. I knew something. I repeated words I d been told and believed to be true. I hadinformation we needed about the alliance. I hoped you did. Wyatt, stop! I told myself that was why, that I wasn t bringing you back because it hurt too much tolose you.That a lifetime without free will wasn t worth three more days with you.Thatwasn t good enough.I had to do it for the right reasons, you know.For them, not forus. Rage rippled through me.My skin flushed.My hands continued to shake. You bastard!Do I know something, Wyatt? Do I? My voice grew louder, angrier, and he flinchedaway. Do I fucking know anything, or was remembering it all for nothing? Did I justrelive the torture and the goddamn rape for nothing? You never should have lived it the first time. That s not a fucking answer! I don t have one for you, okay? He finally turned.Color suffused his face.His eyessparkled, but no tears fell. I don t think I remember the truth anymore, Evy.I ve beensitting here for hours with nothing but time, and I can t seem to think straight.I don tknow the difference between what I told myself and the actual truth.It doesn t seem tomatter anymore. I know you don t love me, and that s probably the worst of my crimes.I betrayed yourtrust, Evy.I had no right. He looked so lost, like an abandoned child.Compassion had never been my strong suit,but even furious as I was at his deceptions, I found myself reaching for understanding.Intention did not outweigh the cost of what he d given up for me.I had easily acceptedthe notion of him sacrificing his free will becoming a slave to Tovin s own will inorder to serve a nobler cause; I had trouble with the idea that he d done it all for threedays with me.I wasn t that special.I wasn t worth the price tag. I don t understand, I said. How can you still be in love with me? With this person?I m not the same as I was before. It s not about hair color or height, Evy; it s about what makes you who you are.Thespirit of you.Your memories and the way you talk and your ability to swear like no oneI ve ever met.They ll never change, no matter what the outside package looks like. The physical mattered less to him than the emotional and intellectual.The former was abonus; the latter the only thing he needed.So why was I struggling with the reverseproblem? My new body wanted more from him than I was emotionally prepared toaccept. I think you re wrong, I said. I think a little bit of Chalice is still inside of me, andthat I m different than I was. My unusual connection to the magical Breaks was proofenough.Bits of her were leaking into my personality, including her friendship withAlex. I think you want me to be exactly the same, because it s what you hoped for.Justlike me knowing anything pertinent to stopping this alliance is what you hoped for.Buthope has no basis in fact. Fine. He held out his hands, palms up and open, empty.Defeated. What do you wantme to say, Evy? I made a huge mistake.I did the wrong thing for the right reasons, andnow we re both getting burned for it.Is that what you want to hear? That this is all myfault? That s not what I want, you asshole. I slammed my palm against one of the bars.Itreverberated up my arm and shoulder.I held tightly to the pain. Then what? I want to live, goddammit! The words flew out of my mouth unfettered so unexpected I found myself stunned tosilence.Had that been it all along? More than uncertainty over Wyatt s motives, muchmore than not knowing if I had anything useful to contribute by regaining mymemories, was I angry about my lack of time? Angry that I had forty-ish hours left tolive? I couldn t bargain for more time.I couldn t prevent my window of opportunityfrom closing.Yes, everything in me screamed against going quietly into that supposed good night.Training told me to fight, to find any possible alternative to death.Only, the deck wasstacked and the dealer had all the aces.I didn t even have a wild card.I had nothing,except the keen sting of helplessness over my current situation and my impendingdoom. I want to live, I whispered.I pressed my back against the bars and slid to the floor,metal hard on my back and cement cool against my bottom.My anger was gone.All Ihad left was sorrow.I pushed it away.I could not give in.Denim rustled.Cool hands brushed my shoulders.I didn t pull away, too electrified bythe gentle gesture.He squeezed tense muscles, and I relaxed into the impromptumassage.Bitter tears stung my eyes, but did not gather or spill. Dying wasn t so bad the first time, I said. I clung to you when things got really bad.Inever stopped believing you d come for me.It was easier, because of our happy ending.Easier to believe in a rescue. I tried so hard to find you. I know [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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. Something still doesn t make sense. He tilted his head. What s that? Me. What do you mean? They could have picked any Triad to attack, Wyatt, but they chose yours.They choseme.Kelsa said someone was paying a lot of money for me, but not in the way Iassumed.Whoever wanted me paid her to do what she did, and to ensure that you werethe one who found me.But why? All they had to do was kill me and hide my body.Youwould have kept the Triads looking for me for days or weeks until I was found.Why setit up the way they did? I don t know.I really wish I did, but I don t.And it isn t the only thing that doesn tadd up. Like why keep you down here, alive, and not torture you? He quirked an eyebrow. Are you advocating violence against my person now? No, jackass, just a logical ordering of events.They killed Wormer and Tully thisafternoon while they were capturing us.Shot them dead.But they used tranqs on us.Why do they want me alive? Aggravation mounting, I stood up on shaky legs and started pacing the narrow length ofthe cell.Confusion, anger, and remnants of despair all bubbled up through my mouthbefore I could censor myself. Why the fuck did you bring me back, Wyatt? Why didn tyou just let me rest in peace? Hell has to be better than this. He wilted in front of me every bit of light, every scrap of fight in him fled.I didn tregret the words.I only hated that they were true, and how precisely they reflected myfeelings.Overwhelmed and frustrated, I took it out on my only available target a manwho d given up everything for me. Why? I grabbed the bars separating us.He had to say it.I had to hear it.He retreated to the corner of his cell, as far from me as he could get.Worse still, heturned his back.I had no way to make him face me.He couldn t disappear behind abathroom door, but he could still escape. My knuckles ached.I loosened my death grip on the bars a wall that might as wellhave been solid rock.I was livid, but not at him.I was furious at myself for notmounting the rescue I d hoped for.For failing at the happily ever after he so desperatelyneeded to believe in. I really am a self-centered prick, aren t I? he asked.His tone was so mild I thought itwas a rhetorical question.He turned his head, showing me his profile and nothing else. Aren t I? You re not a prick, I said. A little selfish, but not a prick.Hell, you did what youthought was right.You need to know what I know. His profile disappeared.He grasped the bars in front of him.Tension thrummed throughhis shoulders and back. I convinced myself that was the reason.I convinced everyone,even you. Nausea struck me so hard and fast my knees buckled.Only my hold on the bars kept mestanding. Now I m not so sure anymore. I knew something. I repeated words I d been told and believed to be true. I hadinformation we needed about the alliance. I hoped you did. Wyatt, stop! I told myself that was why, that I wasn t bringing you back because it hurt too much tolose you.That a lifetime without free will wasn t worth three more days with you.Thatwasn t good enough.I had to do it for the right reasons, you know.For them, not forus. Rage rippled through me.My skin flushed.My hands continued to shake. You bastard!Do I know something, Wyatt? Do I? My voice grew louder, angrier, and he flinchedaway. Do I fucking know anything, or was remembering it all for nothing? Did I justrelive the torture and the goddamn rape for nothing? You never should have lived it the first time. That s not a fucking answer! I don t have one for you, okay? He finally turned.Color suffused his face.His eyessparkled, but no tears fell. I don t think I remember the truth anymore, Evy.I ve beensitting here for hours with nothing but time, and I can t seem to think straight.I don tknow the difference between what I told myself and the actual truth.It doesn t seem tomatter anymore. I know you don t love me, and that s probably the worst of my crimes.I betrayed yourtrust, Evy.I had no right. He looked so lost, like an abandoned child.Compassion had never been my strong suit,but even furious as I was at his deceptions, I found myself reaching for understanding.Intention did not outweigh the cost of what he d given up for me.I had easily acceptedthe notion of him sacrificing his free will becoming a slave to Tovin s own will inorder to serve a nobler cause; I had trouble with the idea that he d done it all for threedays with me.I wasn t that special.I wasn t worth the price tag. I don t understand, I said. How can you still be in love with me? With this person?I m not the same as I was before. It s not about hair color or height, Evy; it s about what makes you who you are.Thespirit of you.Your memories and the way you talk and your ability to swear like no oneI ve ever met.They ll never change, no matter what the outside package looks like. The physical mattered less to him than the emotional and intellectual.The former was abonus; the latter the only thing he needed.So why was I struggling with the reverseproblem? My new body wanted more from him than I was emotionally prepared toaccept. I think you re wrong, I said. I think a little bit of Chalice is still inside of me, andthat I m different than I was. My unusual connection to the magical Breaks was proofenough.Bits of her were leaking into my personality, including her friendship withAlex. I think you want me to be exactly the same, because it s what you hoped for.Justlike me knowing anything pertinent to stopping this alliance is what you hoped for.Buthope has no basis in fact. Fine. He held out his hands, palms up and open, empty.Defeated. What do you wantme to say, Evy? I made a huge mistake.I did the wrong thing for the right reasons, andnow we re both getting burned for it.Is that what you want to hear? That this is all myfault? That s not what I want, you asshole. I slammed my palm against one of the bars.Itreverberated up my arm and shoulder.I held tightly to the pain. Then what? I want to live, goddammit! The words flew out of my mouth unfettered so unexpected I found myself stunned tosilence.Had that been it all along? More than uncertainty over Wyatt s motives, muchmore than not knowing if I had anything useful to contribute by regaining mymemories, was I angry about my lack of time? Angry that I had forty-ish hours left tolive? I couldn t bargain for more time.I couldn t prevent my window of opportunityfrom closing.Yes, everything in me screamed against going quietly into that supposed good night.Training told me to fight, to find any possible alternative to death.Only, the deck wasstacked and the dealer had all the aces.I didn t even have a wild card.I had nothing,except the keen sting of helplessness over my current situation and my impendingdoom. I want to live, I whispered.I pressed my back against the bars and slid to the floor,metal hard on my back and cement cool against my bottom.My anger was gone.All Ihad left was sorrow.I pushed it away.I could not give in.Denim rustled.Cool hands brushed my shoulders.I didn t pull away, too electrified bythe gentle gesture.He squeezed tense muscles, and I relaxed into the impromptumassage.Bitter tears stung my eyes, but did not gather or spill. Dying wasn t so bad the first time, I said. I clung to you when things got really bad.Inever stopped believing you d come for me.It was easier, because of our happy ending.Easier to believe in a rescue. I tried so hard to find you. I know [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]